Helpful hints to keeping out of trouble

Pacman needs to embrace "Gossip Girl" and the tediousness of being boring

The really odd thing about the newest Pacman Jones imbroglio is that the aftermath (Wade Phillips' and Jerry Jones' press conferences, interviews with players, et al.) are far more entertaining and newsworthy than the actual incident.

All because of one guy. When the Cowboys were thinking about trading for him and signing him, it seemed like a safe bet because Jerry is so smart and maven-like. You heard all about the strip club shootings and other incidents with Pacman while in Tennessee, but it never seemed real because it didn't affect the Cowboys on the day to day.

Now that is affecting them, we all realize just how volatile the guy is. He's like an alcoholic: He can't have a fun social drink. It's all or nothing. He just can't go to a party or a strip club and have a good time. A scene must be made.

This is just confirmation, however, that Pacman probably is not long for this league and that he is more than capable of screwing everything up tomorrow, next week or in November. If he lasts the year, I'd be shocked.

With that said, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. In order for Pacman to behave and to remain a professional football player he must change his mindset. He must divorce himself from being a young, fit, rich, black professional athlete in one of the biggest cities in the world. Instead, he must marry the mindset that he's a middle-aged, white, middle-class, married guy living in the suburbs. Here are 10 activities that could keep Pacman busy and out of trouble.

10. Yardwork
There's mowing, weedeating, edging, weed-picking. Then you have to spray some weeds, dust for ants and other bugs, water and prune. Maybe Pacman can start a garden. Some tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, carrots and greens. Furthermore, spruce up the backyard. Maybe lay down some paving stones and extend the porch.

9. Video Games
A popular choice. Especially for someone who could purchase every gaming system (and a corresponding TV) ever made. I suggest some Madden '09, Halo 2, DOOM on PC, Mario III, Mario Kart on N64, Super Tecmo Bowl, Paper Boy and Pac-man.

8. Become an Artisan
Taking up any of the original artisan crafts can become a healthy hobby and a way to keep idle hands out of the devil's playpen. Become a smitty! Re-upholster a teammate's boat! Make some cabinets for TO's loft! Dabble in the extraordinary art of watchmaking. The sky's the limit.

7. Models
No, not the female catwalk kind. How about a diecast black 1961 Lincoln Continental, the "Back to the Future" Delorean, the SS Lady Nelson or the Millenium Falcon.

6. Movies
Sign up for Netflix and load up on old war movies, the great sports movies, season two of the Chappelle Show, Band of Brothers and the entire catalog of Jean-Luc Godard.

5. Pornography
A staple in the white, married guy's arsenal. The great thing about porn is that it always fits your mood.

4. TV
Way more boring than a Ludracris CD drop party and pornography, but not as boring as surgery, jail and reading a dictionary. I suggest The Office, Prison Break, Friday Night Lights and Gossip Girl.

3. Game Nights
Invite some of your teammates like Nick Folk, Tony Romo, Matt McBriar, Jason Witten and Corey Proctor for an entertaining night of "Scattergories," "Cranium," "Catch Phrase" and "Jenga." Get Bobby Carpenter to do his Wade Phillips' impersonation.

2. Sleep
Very underrated.

1. Marijuana
Just get home. Pull the blinds. Light up. No friends. No women. No kids. Just you, the weed and Jean-Luc Godard.